Relationship Counseling

Are You Struggling To Find Common Ground In Your Relationship?

Do you and your partner go round and round, arguing about the same issues without ever resolving anything? Are you overly defensive, critical, or quick to blame each other over trivial matters? Do you want to make a leap from companionship to true intimacy? 

Perhaps one of you feels like there is a distance growing between you—that you never quite feel validated, appreciated, or heard anymore. Or, maybe you or your partner are having trouble overcoming trust or communication issues and want to rediscover your connection.

Being in a relationship that’s not reaching its potential, or watching a relationship deteriorate or falter before your very eyes is heartbreaking. You may be feeling helpless or hopeless while watching your partner slip into withdrawal or isolation. You may have discovered barriers in understanding one another or in sexual intimacy that are keeping your relationship stagnant. 

Or, you could be handling job loss or other life transitions, recovering from infidelity, working through early life trauma, experiencing personal growth independent of your partner, or struggling with addiction and dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, anger, or sorrow.

Regardless of your situation, if you are reading this, you are likely looking for a way to repair your marriage or partnership and overcome obstacles to your happiness. Would you like to make a conscious, empathetic connection with your partner, improve your communication skills, restore trust, and reignite the fire in your relationship?

Relationship Stress Is A Natural Part Of Forging A Trusting, Secure Partnership

We’ve all run into relationship problems, whether with a sibling, friend, coworker or intimate partner. It’s just a natural part of being individuals in relationships. We don’t resonate with each other all the time—and that is normal. However, when it comes to the dynamics of an intimate relationship with a partner or spouse, things can get a little complicated.

Relationships can encounter problems because of either a power imbalance or a difference in expectations for the partnership. One person may have different attitudes about money or decision-making. Or one partner may be emotionally inaccessible or have different sexual needs. One of you may want to start a family while the other is focused on their career. Or it could be that you are having trouble defining or accepting your own role in the relationship, especially if it contradicts internal beliefs you may not even be consciously aware of.

For instance, culturally entrenched codes of masculinity and femininity influence relationships, including shifting alliances, perspectives, and pressures resulting from trying to adhere to these roles.

The truth is that we all hold masculine and feminine traits. These roles absolutely transcend gender, but typically speaking, in most heterosexual couples, the feminine aspect is subverted in men and the masculine is subverted in women, resulting in men who are strangers to their emotions and women who self-disempower. This dynamic also applies in same-sex couples.

The results include shame, rage, unconscious power struggles, and rampant issues in clear communication. So, when couples collide with regard to these roles in their relationship, it can naturally cause discord and confusion. 

As a marriage counselor who works compassionately with these often unconscious aspects of relationships—in addition to using attachment and communication skills models—I help you understand the learned behaviors that may be causing friction in your marriage or partnership. By learning to acknowledge and value all aspects of each partner, you can manage your relationship’s power dynamics and deepen your bond with one another.

Relationship Counseling Can Help Restore Your Marriage

Partners are often reticent about sharing their story or feelings because of shame. Counseling allows you to gently take risks in trusting yourself and your partner. With the help of an understanding relationship therapist, you can reinforce your relationship with mutual empathy and acceptance.

In a space of neutrality and respect, I will begin by getting to know how each of you individually operates in your relationship. Growing up, we all developed attachment styles based on our upbringing and how we organized ourselves to bond and feel safe enough in our respective family systems. 

We may explore your personal history, including past relationships with parents, siblings, or other important figures. We’ll examine how the attachment styles of each partner inform the issues that are currently presenting, working to integrate what we discover in order to harmonize the relationship. 

We’ll examine personal beliefs and possible misconceptions about your roles in the relationship with the goal of freeing you both from preconceptions that may be holding you back. Throughout our sessions, I will be looking for ways to improve communication skills and minimize the interference of non-verbal cues you or your partner may not even be aware of, such as a turning of the head, subtle eye rolling, or a barely audible sigh.

The goal of relationship counseling is to give you an awareness of your behaviors and motivations so that you can be conscious in your choices and authentic in your interactions, reducing conflict and increasing connection, intimacy, and understanding of self and partner along the way.

Every couple responds to challenges differently, so I tailor my approach to counseling with that in mind. I may use Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples or the skills-based work of Dr. John Gottman or Dr. Marsha Linehan (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) to open lines of communication so you can feel more comfortable asking for what you need—and even come to appreciate that your partner’s needs may differ from yours. 

Sometimes couples find help in somatic techniques, including creating family sculptures, making safe physical contact, using mindfulness, and experiential exercises that study the unconscious patterns and influences behind behaviors. 

Regardless of what state your marriage or relationship is in, couples counseling can empower you to see your interactions with more clarity and find solutions to your challenges. Together, we can work to free your partnership from unconscious relational patterns resulting from past experiences, flawed stereotypes, and learned behaviors to restore the health of your marriage. 

We are thinking about relationship counseling, but we still have concerns…

What if therapy reveals that we just aren’t meant to be together?

Counseling gives you powerful skills, relationship tools and strategies, and an in-depth understanding of yourself and your partner that can truly alter the course of your life and your relationship. 

If you decide to part ways, therapy can make the transition smoother and offer greater peace of mind that you’ve explored all options, allowing space to grieve and preparing you to navigate new territory. There can be a tremendous benefit to conscious uncoupling.

Addressing the source of your marriage problems enables a better understanding of behaviors, the beliefs behind them, and how they compromised the relationship so that similar pitfalls can be avoided going forward.

My partner is afraid of being judged.

I strive to keep fairness and awareness of cultural or familial patterns at the forefront of therapy, in addition to honoring each partner’s perspective. 

Therapy helps cultivate a mutual understanding of each other and a respect for how each partner developed the behaviors she or he deemed necessary to navigate the world. 

With this greater understanding, it becomes much easier to make decisions about communication, behavior changes, and even whether the relationship is one you’d like to save.

I am afraid of what relationship therapy might reveal.

Counseling doesn’t always involve sharing everything, but if something sensitive does arise, I’ll provide guidance as you explore the issue and how your relationship might help you work through it. 

And if something comes up that you are afraid to confront, but want to, I will help find a safe and gentle way to integrate it into the relationship so that you can work on it productively.

Openness and self-acceptance are immensely beneficial to a relationship, and shared vulnerabilities can have surprising power to strengthen a bond. 

Help For Your Marriage Is Available

If you and your partner are struggling to find common ground, meaningful connection, or greater marital satisfaction, I can help. Please call 608-561-8821 or email me at will.hector@gmail.com to schedule a free consultation. I am always happy to answer any questions you may have about my approach to marriage counseling.

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